I wish there was a magic wand to alleviate the feeling of not being good enough. It travels with me like a constant companion, always softly spoken in the background.
Maybe it's that feeling of inadequacy that spurs me on to create, to be more than I am. I wonder if I had been lucky enough to be one of those women who are content with who they are and what they have, would I have done the things I've done?
Sometimes it's hard to know what to do, which step to take, which direction to go in, but I keep going in the hope that the path will reveal its self to me if I keep moving.
|Taking a Step Forward|
I'm no expert on life. I have made a ton of mistakes, I'll probably make a lot more as I continue to try to understand this rollercoaster ride.
Well being. How often do you feel 'well' in yourself? For me, the pendulum swings back and forth between feeling well and feeling discontent. When I'm feeling well I'm more confident, more engaging, more sociable, more connected, the world opens up and everything is possible. When I'm feeling unworthy I am plagued with destructive thoughts, I withdraw, I disconnect and everything becomes a chore, I become anxious and I struggle with even the most simple things.
I would love to stay connected more of the time. To not sway in to the more murky depths and darkness that sometimes awaits me. I have found that fitness is a help, as it stops or at least quietens the mind and all those thoughts.....
|Looking out whilst looking in|
I recently had to unfollow several accounts on Instagram, some of which were friends (sorry) because I was inundated with ass. Seriously, when did it become ok for everyone to post pics of their asses? I'm no prude but I'd had enough, so this was my silent protest against over-sexual self promotion.
I get it. Girls want to share their sexuality, their beauty, to show the world who they are, but if only it were that simple. When you're also desiring some kind of validation from others, when you're chasing likes and approval, it becomes a psychologically dangerous place to be in.
Maybe if we felt more confident and secure in ourselves we wouldn't need the approval of others. Maybe we wouldn't feel the need to compare ourselves or judge. I have fallen in this trap a few times, thinking that maybe if I was more like this or more like that I would have more success, I would feel better about myself, I would be happier.
It worries me how young girls are growing up with Instagram, with often filtered, photo-shopped perfection in their feeds on a daily basis. I wonder how this influences their sense of self. I wonder if they see that and believe they need to look a certain way to be accepted.
I strive to accept myself, to feel at peace with who I am and live my life according to my rules. It's a daily struggle, and at times I lose, over and over again, but there is always the hope of happiness that spurs me forward, step by step.